Mark Verber, MS, LPC, Author at Epic Counseling Solutions

The CORE of a Good Apology: Relationship Repair 101

Mark Verber, MS, LPC — Mon, 08 Apr 2024 20:09:24 +0000

Every relationship is a dance. Partners are circling one another in close proximity both physically and emotionally. This cadence and closeness create the foundation for true intimacy as well as unlimited opportunities to strain it. When two people dance together long enough it is inevitable that they will step on each other’s toes or fall out of sync from time to time.

Disruption and repair are simply parts of the rhythm and rigor of relationships. Of course, not all missteps and resulting wounds are the same. It’s one thing to be late for your partner, it’s a whole other thing to betray your partner. Forgetting an anniversary is far different than forgetting your vows. Regardless of where an offense falls on the spectrum from inconsiderate to infidelity, a good apology is an essential tool in the relationship repair kit.

Yet, as anyone who has struggled to escape the relationship doghouse can attest to- not just any old apology will do. An apology is like a meal- as hungry for it as someone may be, they would rather skip it than be force fed something rotten. However, when the right ingredients are skillfully crafted and served in a timely fashion the results can be exquisite.

A good apology doesn’t have to be fancy to really hit the spot and leave the recipient feeling fulfilled and appreciative. In fact, a good apology can be remembered far longer than what prompted it in many cases.

A Good Apology is a Relationship Superpower

Unfortunately, most people have not been taught how to give a good apology, nor have they had it modeled for them. The good news is that giving a good apology is a skill that can be learned, and with practice, mastered.

The ability to give a good apology is a superpower. It empowers people and enhances relationships. A good apology requires both vulnerability and accountability, which makes it difficult. Especially when feelings of guilt or shame can be overwhelming and leave partners feeling stuck and ultimately staying silent. Acknowledging our own wrongdoing opens us up to both criticism and consequences. We are wired to avoid both at all costs.

The problem is that in relationships our avoidance becomes our partner’s burden. However, when we are able to push through our instinctual apprehension enough to weather the response- the potential for clearer skies on the other side can be realized.

Make Contrition the Star of the Show

The most important factor in a good apology is to focus on how your actions have impacted the person you have hurt, not your intentions. When making a sincere apology, leave your intentions on the cutting room floor and make your contrition the star of the show.

It’s also important to bear in mind that an apology is a process. There are many factors that influence how it may be received. Both time and repetition may be required for maximum effectiveness. Additionally, if we think of an apology as a meal, the spoken words are just the appetizer. It takes action over time to demonstrate sincerity. There are four key ingredients that form The CORE of a Good Apology.

The CORE of a Good Apology

1. Compassion – Compassion involves expressing empathy for how you have hurt someone, as well as a genuine commitment to show the care and effort to make it better. It is important to directly acknowledge your regret for your actions and their ramifications. Without compassion, the rest is wasted because the apology will come across as hollow and land flat.

2. Ownership – Taking personal responsibility, regardless of intentions or external factors, is essential to demonstrating accountability and authenticity. “I didn’t mean to” and “I’m sorry you feel that way” will not help. You show you “get it” when you own it.

3. Remedy – Words are not enough. A good apology depends on a stated commitment to change behavior. The remedy can be collaboratively arrived at with the person who was hurt, but the initiative should come from the person apologizing. There are few guarantees in a relationship, but there can be a plan and path to truly address the harm caused as well as avoid a recurrence.

4. Earned – People should make an apology to help the person they hurt feel better, first and foremost. However, an apology plays a big part in the prospect of receiving forgiveness in return. This requires more than words and must be earned. An apology is not like a crock pot that you can just “set it and forget it.” Earning it comes from the remedy demonstrated consistently over time.

Here’s an example:

C – “I’m sorry for lying to you about where I was last night. I regret my actions and the hurt they have caused you. It’s understandable that you are both angry and concerned. (Compassion)
O – This is all my fault and I take full responsibility for making a bad choice, then lying to you about it. It won’t happen again. (Ownership)
R – Moving forward, I will be more open with my plans and transparent and truthful in all things. Your trust is important to me, and my goal is to deserve it again. (Remedy)
E – I realize this will take time, and I am prepared to prove it to you with my actions and consistency.” (Earned)

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What to Avoid When Making an Apology

– The Word “but” – There is no scenario where “but” or anything that follows it can be helpful when giving an apology.
– A Non-Existent Apology – As much as a bad apology can make things worse, that is no excuse for avoiding an earnest attempt at repair with your partner.
– Inauthentic Lip-Service – A simple “I’m sorry” without verbalizing what you are sorry for is generic and ineffective. It can also appear to come from a sense of obligation or escaping consequences more than true remorse.
– Victim Stance – Including statements like “Apparently I never do anything right,” “It’s always my fault” or “You’ve done this to me,” aren’t helpful in taking ownership and advancing repair.
– Minimizing – Saying “It’s not that big of a deal,” or downplaying one’s actions to alleviate culpability miss the mark.
– Impatience – It can be frustrating when a heartfelt apology is given, and it doesn’t have the desired results immediately. However, becoming inpatient or angry usually only makes things worse and prolongs the process.

The Role of Counseling in Relationship Repair

If you’re struggling to make an effective apology or repair on your own- marriage counseling can help. Marriage counseling is designed to empower partners with the skills and guidance to address relationship wounds and disrupt patterns that perpetuate disconnection.
It starts by creating a “forgiving space” to do so. A “forgiving space” is one that is both set up to support healing and forgiveness as well as forgiving in that it allows for a learning curve and inevitable missteps. Couples counseling creates a dynamic that is like bowling with bumpers. You can miss the mark and not end up in the gutter.

Marriage counseling also helps to bridge the gap and clear the debris that has accumulated over time. A licensed counselor is trained to give voice to feelings and create perspective for partners struggling to do so on their own. The collaborative approach helps prioritize next steps and mutually problem solve.

In doing so, friction can be turned to traction. By helping partners feel truly seen and heard by one another, as well as provide tools to navigate conflict and support reconnection- partners can get back to having each other’s backs.

At EPIC Counseling Solutions we help couples in all stages of their relationship gain the skills and experience they need to find the relief and the results they seek.

If you have any questions about this information or want to take the first step to a better relationship – schedule your free consultation today.

We’re here for you in Camp Hill, PA, and the greater Harrisburg area.

The post The CORE of a Good Apology: Relationship Repair 101 appeared first on Epic Counseling Solutions.

Effective Communication Strategies for Couples: A Therapist’s Guide

Mark Verber, MS, LPC — Mon, 01 Apr 2024 18:06:31 +0000

Struggling with communication is the most common reason given by couples when they seek marriage counseling. “We just can’t communicate anymore,” “It all comes down to poor communication,” and “We suck at communicating,” are common refrains from couples.

While there is typically more to the story for these couples, communication is like the password to their computer. It is necessary for access, even if it doesn’t power the rest of the features.

Shortcomings in communication reveal, if not always create, broader relationship issues. Because communication connects everything else, couples can’t ignore it. Simply put- without it they are locked out.

Interestingly, these very same couples that report significant deficits in communication are invariably able to come into counseling sessions and quite adeptly verbalize their thoughts and perspective in a compelling way. Why then is there such a disconnect between two partners when it comes to communication?

The best way to understand the challenge is by considering the conditions with which communication occurs in relationships. In this day and age both the sender and receiver are likely to be heavily distracted, highly stressed, pressed for time, complicated by emotions, and with relatively poor memories.

When you consider that’s the baseline we’re working with, the odds of the message being received as intended during even routine conversation are quite low. When trying to navigate the deeper waters of topics like finances, sex, and parenting the level of difficulty becomes even greater.

Missing information, misunderstanding, and mistakes are going to happen. For better or worse, we’re not able to throw the challenge flag and consult instant replay to settle discrepancies in communication like those couples in Progressive commercials. Instead, it takes intentionality and consistency to achieve clarity.

Successful communication doesn’t come from perfection or poetry. It comes from having a deliberate process and applying it with persistence. The following are a “Deliberate Dozen” Effective Communication Strategies for Couples:

1. A Good Conversation is Like a Game of Catch.

In a successful game of catch you have two people tossing a ball back and forth. In a good conversation the message, like the ball, is secured and considered before being sent back. When there’s a misfire or someone drops the ball, it’s simply picked up and returned.
The two most important elements of any game of catch or conversation are velocity and reciprocity. A steady pace and equal participation creates a good rhythm. With your partner we’re striving for lobbing a nerf ball at a catcher’s mitt- plenty of cushion and surface area. When a conversation goes off the rails it is more like trying to catch a nine ball with a pool cue.
When couples come to counseling their conversations feel more like being pelted or that one partner has taken the ball and gone home. Counseling can help provide the guidance and tools to shorten the distance between them while they find their rhythm again.

2. The Right Time is of The Essence.

Real estate may be all about location but the three most important factors in communication are timing, timing, and timing. While there is no perfect time, timing is the first domino to fall. If it’s a bad time for either partner, it’s not going to go well. Don’t feel pressured to have a difficult conversation right away or all at once- as long as you commit to having it. It’s better to go to bed angry than really angry.

3. Good Enough Beats Not Enough Every Time.

Waiting for the perfect words or conditions before talking to your spouse usually ends with few perfect words and lots of waiting. It’s hard to interpret silence, and we don’t prevent anything by avoiding. Like the old adage about voting, in relationships we should communicate early and often.

4. Validate Before You Negate.

Validation is about letting your partner know they are making sense to you. The bottom line is that they want to know you get it. You do this by effectively connecting the dots out loud for them. It’s important to recognize that you don’t need to agree with them in order to validate. Agreement is a luxury.

5. Be Direct with Respect.

In her book Dare to Lead Brene Brown wrote, “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.” It’s one thing to understand this, it’s something else entirely to apply it. It can be difficult to give feedback to our partners, and especially difficult when we think that feedback may be hurtful.

However, Brene Brown isn’t advocating that we are reckless with our words, just direct and respectful enough that they are clear. In the end, this is ultimately kind. Too often thoughts and feelings are withheld or buried like a needle in a large haystack of meaningless hemming and hawing. While the needle doesn’t break the skin, it’s never found either.

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6. Conversations Should Be Engineered Like a Driver’s Ed Car.

There should be one gas pedal, and two brakes. When conversations get heated, they speed up. This leads to feeling overwhelmed and either an escalation or shut down. Speed kills conversations as quickly as it can on the road. Either person should be able to pump the brakes before a crash. The goal is to slow down to go further.

7. Own Your Part Before You Bemoan Your Partner.

When one or both partners immediately refutes or rebuts what the other is saying, it’s called defensiveness. The last thing we want to do is feed the defensiveness forcefield. What starts as a slippery slope inevitably ends with what feels like falling into a trap door.
The goal is to take a beat and some accountability before firing back. This can be incredibly difficult, especially when you feel attacked. However, even if you can’t turn defensiveness off, when you turn the volume down a bit- it creates flex that can be rolled with instead of a force field to fight with.

8. Turn Complaints Into Requests.

Renowned therapist Esther Perel famously says that, “Behind every criticism is a veiled wish.” In relationships we have a tendency to lead with criticism and never get to the wish.

Imagine how much more effective it would be to turn complaints into requests. Instead of making the complaint “You never help around the house” you could say “I’d appreciate it if you took the trash out tonight.” Or you could replace “You don’t make time for me,” with “Let’s plan a date night for this Saturday.” A series of requests offered and honored is the foundation for a more connected and fulfilling relationship in literally no extra time.

9. Relate, Not Legislate.

Keep in mind that it’s a conversation, not a cross-examination. Attend to your partner’s feelings before you get lost in the weeds objecting to details or presenting new evidence. In courtrooms arguments result in winners and losers. In relationships, nobody ever wins an argument- because even when you win you lose.

10. Summarize Before Stacking.

When communication goes awry, listening gets lost- there is just waiting to respond. Sometimes there’s no waiting at all. It’s hard to comprehend much when statements keep getting stacked on top of one another.

It’s like two people playing a high-speed game of Jenga without taking turns. There is no strategy or building, only an accelerated inevitable topple. When you summarize what your partner said before responding with new information you are slowing down enough to truly listen and check for accuracy. They get the chance to clarify and are reassured knowing you heard what they said.

11. Share the Love, Not the Stage.

Effective communication requires that only one person talk at a time. Talking over, interrupting, reactively responding are common losing propositions. Be intentional about taking turns. File this under “everything I need to know I learned in kindergarten.” When you wait your turn and share your thoughts like toys there is less crying and more time to enjoy snacks and recess together.

12. Communicate Like A PRO.

Communication is too important to be guided by wishful thinking or left to chance. This is especially true when there is a particular event to tackle together that can add stress and require extra coordination, like a wedding or family holiday. Instead, consider communicating like a PRO:

Proactive: Like the best professional teams, you should proactively have a game plan discussed beforehand. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Responsive: Be mindful of when there is a rise in tension or a loss of momentum. Have a shared language and ability to responsively call a timeout when the situation demands.

On Schedule: Agree in advance to touch base on schedule at a certain time, just like halftime. It could be as simple as “Everything okay?” Or it might be “The heavy hors d’oeuvres aren’t holding, we need to find a drive thru before I get hangry.”

As frustrating as communication challenges can be, it’s important to keep in mind that communication is skill. Which means it can be learned, and with practice, improved. If you are finding it difficult to do so on your own or are looking to go from good to great at it, you may want to consider couples counseling.

One of the first goals of couples counseling is to skillfully shift the dynamic to create conditions conducive to overcoming barriers and achieving effective communication. Couples empowered with new skills and guided experience applying them find having a good game of catch can be a stepping stone to reconnection and covering more ground together.

At EPIC Counseling Solutions we help couples in all stages of their relationship gain the skills and experience they need to find the relief and the results they seek.

If you have any questions about this information or want to take the first step to a better relationship – schedule your free consultation today.
We’re here for you in Camp Hill, PA, and the greater Harrisburg area.

The post Effective Communication Strategies for Couples: A Therapist’s Guide appeared first on Epic Counseling Solutions.

The Key Habits of Strong Couples: Relationships That Survive and Thrive

Mark Verber, MS, LPC — Mon, 25 Mar 2024 19:05:09 +0000

Love is a beautiful thing. When experienced it is both indescribable and undeniable. It is all-consuming and intoxicating. Yet, love without a landing spot amounts to little more than heavy hearts and sad songs. It is only through relationships that love finds a home and comes to life.

However, relationships don’t exist to simply celebrate love, but to build on it. For a relationship to thrive, it needs to survive. For this love is a plus, but it is not enough.

The best relationships are fortified with as much respect as romance and rely on more grit than glamor. It takes strength to survive. In the end, survival is both the foundation for and outcome of true love. Love without longevity is simply longing.

Love desires sustainability, while strength delivers it. Love can start with a wink or a wish, while strength takes will and work. How do you create the type of relationship that can withstand adversity, empower growth, and keep love alive for the long run?

There are certain things that strong couples do and don’t do. Ultimately, both love and strength come from these deliberate actions done consistently. In other words, couples rise or fall based on their habits.

The Key Habits of Strong Couples

1. Strong Couples Prioritize the “3 Re’s.”

They are Receptive, Responsive, and Repetitive. This is the foundation for relationship success. If you listen to your partner, act on what they are saying, and do it consistently- then everything else is just details.

2. Strong Couples Pay Attention.

The more aware you are of what’s going on for your partner and their well-being, the better you can address concerns and support them. If you’re not paying attention, a snowball can become an avalanche. The best couples know they either pay attention or pay the price.

3. Strong Couples Make Time For Each Other.

There is no perfect time and never enough of it. Successful couples don’t wait for the right time, they create the right time.

4. Strong Couples Have Rituals of Connection.

Life pulls people in a million directions. The strongest couples overcome this by having rituals that bring them back to each other throughout the day. It may be a kiss before heading off to work, a text at lunch, or downloading your day at dinner. It doesn’t need to be a lot all at once, it just needs to happen more than once.

5. Strong Couples Have Each Other’s Back.

Ships don’t sink from the water swirling around them, but by the water that leaks in. The same can be said for relationships. You don’t have to agree all the time, but you do need to stand by each other.

6. Strong Couples Are Curious Before Furious.

They seek to understand why their partner is doing something bothersome, before reacting in a bothered way. When in doubt, they ask.

7. Strong Couples Repair Quickly and Effectively.

There will inevitably be hiccups and hurt feelings in a marriage. Work to address them and move on before they become a grudge or lead to resentment. If partners miss the mark, they make it right.

If couples meet a challenge they can’t seem to repair on their own, they seek the help they need. Many of the couples that show up to couples counseling have great relationships and are looking to become better or are strong couples confronting a new or unforeseen issue.

8. Strong Couples Evolve.

A marriage goes through stages including growth spurts and growing pains. It needs to be nurtured and guided. However, what it needs to thrive at 2 years old is different than at 20 years old.

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What Strong Couples Don’t Do

1. Strong Couples Don’t Keep Secrets.

There is a difference between secrecy and privacy. People have a right to privacy, even in a marriage. However, hiding illicit things like sexual or financial betrayal eats away at both partners. One slowly, and one suddenly-once discovered.

2. Strong Couples Don’t Avoid.

It doesn’t matter if it is feelings, decisions, or conflict- avoidance is a losing strategy. We can deal with what we know and connect through adversity. Avoidance creates ambivalence and tension, which are relationship killers.

3. Strong Couples Don’t Fight in Front of Others.

It’s normal and healthy to disagree in a marriage. When it’s done in public, it creates ripple effects. Those ripples can turn to tidal waves. The strongest couples have a process and awareness to table disagreements for later.

4. Strong Couples Don’t Retaliate.

In relationships, when the target is range- so are you. It may feel natural or even fair to fight back. The problem is that it’s a zero-sum game. I encourage couples to embrace being the first one to flinch.

5. Strong Couples Don’t Belittle.

Successful couples learn to give feedback and even make complaints without demeaning or criticizing one another.

6. Strong Couples Don’t Fight Over Text.

If the intent is to express or create displeasure, it should never be done via text. There is no way to convey tone, make eye contact, or read body language over text. When we use texting for anything other than practical or positive messages, we lose the leverage that comes from connecting in person.

7. Strong Couples Don’t Withdraw.

They take timeouts, then reconnect. The difference is how it is communicated, and how long it takes. A timeout shouldn’t last longer than 24 hours. Enough withdraw and partners are left without a relationship.

8. Strong Couples Don’t Take Each Other For Granted.

The easiest things to lose sight of are those we’re closest to. That’s fine when it’s the TV remote, but it’s a major problem when it’s your partner.

At EPIC Counseling Solutions we help couples in all stages of their relationship gain the skills and experience they need to find the relief and the results they seek.

The post The Key Habits of Strong Couples: Relationships That Survive and Thrive appeared first on Epic Counseling Solutions.

Gaslighting in Relationships: Overcoming Denial and Doubt

Mark Verber, MS, LPC — Mon, 18 Mar 2024 18:45:59 +0000

Have you ever asked yourself, “Is my partner gaslighting me?” If so, you are not alone. Any therapist will tell you that the over/under for the number of times a day that the word “gaslighting” comes up during sessions is right around double digits. In other words, we hear it a lot.

However, the word’s prevalence clearly transcends the counseling setting as the term has become so popular that in 2022 Merriam-Webster awarded it their Word of the Year. As The Big Lebowski would say, “gaslighting” has become the parlance of our times.

Gaslighting is more than a buzzword though- it is a dynamic that’s impact on relationships is both widespread and universally detrimental. Learning to identify and address gaslighting when you experience it is crucial to relationship success and personal well-being.

What is Gaslighting in Relationships?

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation in which one’s reality or lived experience is disputed by another to the extent that they begin to question their own thoughts, perception, or even sanity. It typically occurs within the context of close relationships and over an extended period of time.

For the victims of gaslighting it feels as though they are viewing the world through a funhouse mirror. Their experience is not reflected for what it is, but instead it is filtered by their partner with an added layer of heavy distortion.

Not only does a gaslighter refuse to honor reality, but they also often turn the tables and blame the victim. While gaslighting is rooted in denial, the result is serious self-doubt and a decrease in self-confidence.

Why Do People Gaslight in Relationships?

Gaslighting is about avoidance and control. When people gaslight they avoid accountability, difficult conversations, potential conflict, and unpleasant feelings. In the process, they are also exerting control over their partners by manipulating the narrative to meet their needs. Gaslighters bend reality to their will to the detriment of their partner’s well-being.

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What are Some Examples of Gaslighting?

Denial – Refuting the accuracy or outright lying about their role in events to escape fault
Victim blaming – Shifting blame onto their partners to avoid accountability
Lying – Making up falsehoods or rewriting history to serve their needs
Isolating – Systematically undermining or cutting off influence from friends or family members to eliminate outside influence
Making you doubt your sanity – Claiming “that’s not true” or “that never happened” repeatedly
Minimizing your concerns – Dismissing or trivializing valid issues or feelings
Not listening – Refusing to listen to other perspectives or simply talking over their partner to manipulate the situation and gain control
Distorting the truth – Taking the reality of what is presented and twisting it to meet their needs
Using others to validate concerns – Enlisting biased allies to support their point-of-view to further isolate and confuse their partners
Insults and accusations – Gaslighters often go on the offensive, and are quick to call their partners “crazy”, “too emotional”, “overly sensitive”, or “paranoid”

An Example Scenario:
You are out on a date and observe your partner flirting with the bartender. It’s pretty obvious, but you decide to overlook it at the time. Later you find the bartender’s name and number on a cocktail napkin in your partner’s jacket pocket.

When you confront them about it they deny the whole thing. They also get offended, call you delusional, and accuse you of being flirtatious with the waiter all night. An attempt to address a legitimate concern with your partner ends with their denial and distortion, leaving you doubting the situation and yourself. This is classic gaslighting.

What are Some Ways to Respond to Gaslighting?

1. Gaslighting makes it difficult to know what to believe.

It is important to find ways to get perspective outside of your experience within the echo chamber of the relationship. Reaching out to get the opinion and feedback from a trusted third party can be immensely beneficial.

If you find yourself asking “Am I going crazy?” it sure helps to have a good friend or family member validate you and say, “No you’re not. You’re making sense, but something is definitely off with the situation.”

2. The nature of gaslighting can make it particularly difficult to address the behavior directly with the person doing it.

Spoiler alert- they tend to deny it then shift blame.

However, if you deem the relationship worth saving, discussing your experiences and the impact of the behavior in an open and non-accusatory way will be important. The caveat to this is that you must feel safe and secure enough to do so.

3. Gaslighting can eat away at one’s foundation, stability, and sense of self. It is critical to engage efforts at self-care to create balance with emotional and physical well-being.

Setting boundaries is an essential part of this. In addition, restorative activities like walking, yoga, journaling, reading, or even a bit of escapism Netflix binging can go a long way to recharging your batteries.

4. Seeking counseling with a licensed professional can be a helpful outlet to sort out and grow through the challenges that gaslighting presents.

If couples counseling isn’t an option or appropriate due to the nature of the circumstances, individual counseling can still be immensely useful.

Having a guide to provide an experienced perspective as well as tools to cope is especially beneficial when you can’t turn to your partner for consistent support.

5. Events don’t make or break relationships – patterns do.

If gaslighting is a one-off exception to the rule, it can be weathered.

However, if it is the baseline response to any concern or challenge, it is clearly a pattern and a problem. When efforts to address your concerns consistently hit the forcefield that gaslighting creates, it might be time to consider ending the relationship.

At EPIC Counseling Solutions we help couples in all stages of their relationship gain the skills and experience they need to find the relief and the results they seek.

If you have any questions about this information or want to take the first step to a better relationship – schedule your free consultation today.

We’re here for you in Camp Hill, PA, and the greater Harrisburg area.

The post Gaslighting in Relationships: Overcoming Denial and Doubt appeared first on Epic Counseling Solutions.

10 Ways to Strengthen Your Marriage in Retirement

Mark Verber, MS, LPC — Tue, 19 Dec 2023 14:37:01 +0000

Marriage Tips For Retired Couples

A marriage that lasts until retirement is an accomplishment in and of itself. The overall divorce rate is nearly 50% and “grey divorce,” or those splitting after age 50, is becoming increasingly common. Riding off into the sunset together is simply no foregone conclusion.

Yet, most marriages that have stood the test of time, can still stand to improve with it. Fortunately, with the right guidance and a solid foundation a marriage can truly reach new heights.

The golden bachelor shouldn’t have all the fun, as married couples can make the most of their golden years too. Here are 10 ways to strengthen your marriage in retirement.

1. Have a Growth Mindset

The finish line is also a starting line. There is a tendency to focus so much on getting to retirement that once couples arrive, it’s like “now what?” Life looks different in retirement, and opting for a growth mindset focused on opportunity keeps couples energized and strengthens marriages.

2. Start Something New

Don’t just invest for retirement, invest in retirement. Financial security is important, but it holds little value alone. Couples should focus on investing their time and energy in a way that yields returns not seen in a stock portfolio. It doesn’t matter what it is- the key to sustaining anything is starting something.

3. Be Flexible

Marriages are like skyscrapers. The ones that last through the years and the storms are built with a strong foundation and enough flexibility to bend with the wind. In retirement couples are reaching the top floors, and the more rigid or flimsy their marriage- the more noticeable it will be.

4. Pursue Independent Interests

A good relationship is like a spark plug. There should be the right amount of gap between two partners to create a spark. If they are too far apart or too close, the engine won’t run. A mindful balance between individual and joint activities improves both.

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5. Reimagine and Prioritize Intimacy

Intimacy comes from both familiarity and mystery. Couples that last until retirement are typically very comfortable with one another. Couples that strengthen their marriage through retirement use that comfort level as a pathway to courage and vulnerability. In the process they cultivate a new level of emotional and physical intimacy.

6. Be Curious

By retirement most couples have been together for a very long time and know each other well. However, partners are moving targets, and the goal is for our understanding and the relationship to evolve as they do. The right communication is key. Old questions can provide new answers- if they are asked.

7. Bowl With Bumpers

Relationship strain is inevitable, the negative impact it can have is not. Successful marriages have a process to address concerns, correct miscommunication, and repair hurt feelings quickly and effectively.

You’re not going to bowl strikes every time, but a good process acts like bumpers so couples can bounce back without landing in the gutter. For those struggling with this, marriage counseling is a helpful resource that provides couples with the benefit of a skilled guide and a structured process to do just that.

8. Be Intentional

You don’t have to have a work schedule to lead with intention and be driven by purpose. In a long-term marriage, familiarity can be both friend and foe. The downside is that time together can accumulate debris that disrupts connection. Couples can make assumptions and take each other for granted.

Marriage in retirement is an opportunity to be deliberate about each other and the relationship in a new way. Communicating more consistently and directly is a necessary part of collaboratively sharing desires and choosing destinations.

9. Take Your Time

Approaching retirement, people tend to focus a lot on horizon timelines. Once they retire, the biggest difference and advantage is more time in a day. For couples, it is a great opportunity to give up being efficient to become more productive. You don’t need to run around in different directions to divide and conquer anymore.

Take the scenic route, cook a meal together, run errands with a copilot, and request the late checkout. Slow down, go further.

10. Let Go

It’s impossible to escape being hurt in relationships. This can be especially true when it comes to those we’re closest to- like a spouse. Over time, these wounds can become weapons. Come retirement, both partners have plenty of ammunition.

Forgiveness is a gift- for both people. Find ways to lighten the load. As they say, let go or be dragged.

Be the Difference Maker in Your Own Marriage

Marital challenges are inevitable, outcomes are not.

Spouses that are empowered with the right experience, tools, and by each other are the difference makers between a marriage that just survives and one that thrives.

It is never too late to begin again. Make use of these 10 tips to strengthen your marriage at a time you can enjoy it the most.

At EPIC Counseling Solutions we help couples in all stages of their relationship gain the skills and experience they need to find the relief and the results they seek.

If you have any questions about this information or want to take the first step to a better relationship- schedule your free consultation today.

We’re here for you in Camp Hill, PA, and the greater Harrisburg area.

The post 10 Ways to Strengthen Your Marriage in Retirement appeared first on Epic Counseling Solutions.

8 Tips for Couples to Overcome Holiday Stress Together

Mark Verber, MS, LPC — Tue, 28 Nov 2023 17:20:17 +0000

The unmistakable chill in the air, smell of hot cocoa, and sight of Cousin Eddie in his bathrobe emptying a chemical toilet into the sewer. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation playing in the background for the 400th time can mean only one thing.

The holidays have officially arrived.

The holidays are a special time of year filled with nostalgia and celebration. There are traditions to uphold, memories to be made, and plenty of joy to be had.

Preparation and anticipation that builds all year finally culminate in a fever pitch. The holiday season is a time of abundance. There is a ton of traffic, food, and stress. Lots of stress.

While splurging on a few extra cookies won’t slow you down too much, excessive stress will. Stress is more than unpleasant. It can be detrimental to your mood, sleep, and ability to be fully present for the festivities.

So why must the season to be merry feel like the season to be weary?

The Perfect Storm of Stress

The holidays are a perfect storm of lofty expectations, competing priorities, and limited time. There is the pressure of buying gifts and the toll of traveling.

Grief can be amplified as the pain of loss is especially apparent during such a memorable time of year. Less daylight and fewer outlets could lead to seasonal depression setting in or worsening for those affected.

There is increased exposure to potentially strained family dynamics. Not to mention, the pressure to fit in nearly as many household visits on Christmas as Santa himself.

At times, the whole experience can feel like it is more trouble than it’s worth. Yet, not only do most people consider the holiday hoopla to be unavoidable-they look forward to it.

However you choose to celebrate as a couple, stress shouldn’t get in the way. As long as you are prepared and empowered together- the Grinch doesn’t stand a chance.

In the spirit of giving, here are 8 tips to help you manage stress as a couple. One for each night of Hanukkah.

8 Tips for Couples to Overcome Holiday Stress Together

Tip #1: Create New Traditions That Are All Your Own

This practice allows for more flexibility and prioritizes couple time that otherwise can be so easily consumed by family, friends, and work celebrations.

Whether you decide to do a brisk hike on Black Friday, open gifts on Christmas eve, or go ‘all in’ on Festivus – it should be just for you every year.

Tip #2: Conversation Before Commitment

Have a policy to always commit to a conversation with each other before you commit to an event with others.

Partners want a say, and don’t like surprises.

Before you back yourself into a corner, make sure you have your partner’s back.

Tip #3: Use This Trick For Setting Boundaries

Setting limits and boundaries with others is critical, but difficult.

One trick to make the practice easier is to try saying “not” instead of “no.”

This simple tweak can lower the barrier a bit by allowing for “not this time” instead of “no we can’t.”

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Tip #4: Aim To Bargain Before You Compromise

Compromise gets all the glory, but the ability to bargain well is a cheat code that successful couples know how to employ.

In a compromise, each partner is making a concession, and both usually walk away disappointed.

By bargaining, you are swapping to create a scenario where each partner wins at some point.

Tip #5: Strive To Present A Unified Front

It may be cliched, but it is no less important.

Difficult conversations need to happen, but they should not happen in front of others.

Tip #6: Communicate like a PRO

Communication is too important to be guided by wishful thinking or left to chance.

This is especially true when there are so many moving parts, like during the holidays.

Instead, consider communicating like a PRO:

Proactive: Like the best professional teams, you should proactively have a game plan discussed beforehand. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Responsive: Be mindful of when there is a rise in tension or a loss of momentum. Have a shared language and the ability to responsively call a timeout when the situation demands.

On Schedule: Agree in advance to touch base on schedule at a certain time, just like halftime. It could be as simple as “Are we all good?” Or it might be “Somebody’s getting tired and cranky, we should probably head out soon.” Which could easily refer to the baby or Dad.

Tip #7: Repair Quickly

The season of giving should extend to giving each other grace, apologies, and forgiveness.

There is a lot of opportunity to step on each other’s toes, whether you’re wearing reindeer slippers or not.

While you can’t prevent it, you can protect against it by repairing it quickly and effectively.

Tip #8: Be Open To Asking For And Accepting Help

Start with one another. When partners lean on each other, their relationship grows stronger.

There is the added benefit of being around extended family and the extra sets of hands to chip in – if you ask.

Also, whether it is your first holiday together or your 50th, you may want to pursue premarital counseling or marriage counseling to get over the holiday hump and enhance your relationship through improved communication, conflict resolution, and connection.

The Gift that Keeps on Giving

The holidays will almost certainly be stressful, but it doesn’t have to be detrimental.

When managed collaboratively, the occasion can bring couples together instead of driving them apart.

These tips can go a long way to surviving holiday stress, and who knows- you just might be able to use them all year long.

That Clark — is the gift that keeps on giving.

At EPIC Counseling Solutions, we help couples in all stages of their relationship gain the skills and experience they need to find the relief and the results they seek.

If you have any questions about this information or want to take the first step to a better relationship – schedule your free consultation today.

We’re here for you in Camp Hill, PA, and the greater Harrisburg area.

The post 8 Tips for Couples to Overcome Holiday Stress Together appeared first on Epic Counseling Solutions.

Stonewalling: A Short-Circuit in Your Crucial Conversations

Mark Verber, MS, LPC — Mon, 20 Nov 2023 20:10:38 +0000

Have you noticed that difficult conversations with your partner seem to follow the same pattern?

As soon as the tension rises even a little bit, they get really quiet or totally silent.

Like clockwork, it’s as if sticking points turn to stop signs. As infuriating as this is, there is a likely reason your partner won’t respond. They’re stonewalling.

Stonewalling refers to when someone shuts down or withdraws during an interaction, essentially ceasing to communicate in any meaningful way.

Renowned relationship experts, John and Julie Gottman, have identified stonewalling as one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” as it is predictive of divorce when prevalent during a couple’s conflict.

While stonewalling can be incredibly frustrating for the partner on the receiving end, it is really a protective posture. When someone is stonewalling on the surface, they are overwhelmed and physiologically flooded underneath.

Without an awareness about this and the right tools to navigate it, stonewalling can be like a perpetually faulty fuse that short-circuits crucial conversations again and again.

If You Are Being Stonewalled, Try The Following Three Tips:

Recognize your partner is not giving you a hard time, as much as they are having a hard time. This awareness can help you to not take it personally, as well as not push and make it worse.
The next step is to take a timeout. Trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, when your partner is just not able to, will only make it worse. Verbalize that you would like to press pause, and mutually commit to revisiting the topic later.
When you reapproach, be mindful to utilize a softened startup to take the pressure off your partner. Utilize “I” statements, keep the focus specific, and make a request instead of a complaint. This approach helps to take the pressure off, by being less threatening or overwhelming to your partner.

If you are stonewalling your partner, try engaging the following three steps to the “Breath, Break, Breeze” technique:

Breath – Focus on your breathing to help self-regulate. There are numerous simple deep breathing techniques that can be learned and applied in minutes that can be helpful to coping and becoming less flooded.

Break – Request a timeout, while also committing to return to the conversation sometime within the next 24 hours. As soon as we recognize that the potential for conflict is revving things up, we want to be deliberate about disrupting the pace. Keep in mind that we hurt quickly and heal slowly.
Breeze – This refers to going outside and taking a quick walk. The change of scenery, physical activity, and sunlight can all have a calming effect and help you feel more centered.

Stonewalling can send the message “I don’t care” to your partner, even if unintentionally. Therefore, you need to be quite intentional about correcting course and demonstrating commitment and willingness to re-engage with your partner once “Breath, Break, Breeze” puts you in a better position to do so.

Learning to apply these tools can take practice and guidance.

At EPIC Counseling Solutions we help couples in all stages of their relationship to gain the skills and experience they need to find the relief and the results they seek.

If you have any questions about this information or want to take the first step to a better relationship, schedule your free consultation today.

We’re here for you in Camp Hill, PA and the greater Harrisburg area.

References:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2018). The seven principles for making marriage work. Cassell Illustrated.

The post Stonewalling: A Short-Circuit in Your Crucial Conversations appeared first on Epic Counseling Solutions.

How to Talk to Your Partner About Couples Counseling

Mark Verber, MS, LPC — Mon, 20 Nov 2023 19:33:37 +0000

Difficult Conversations That Lead to Easier Relationships

One of the greatest challenges to couples counseling can occur before you officially start- getting both partners to agree.

While you may be pleasantly surprised, it is common to have some apprehension from at least one partner. Which leads to the frequently asked question, “How do I talk to my partner about couples counseling?”

If you’re considering marriage counseling, you are not alone. Most relationships hit a point where they would benefit from couples therapy. When this happens, you’re facing either Friction, Fracture, Frost, or Framing.

This means you’re experiencing conflict, betrayal, disconnection, or are just looking to build a better relationship.

Bringing up marriage counseling can be a tough conversation, but worth it for all the right reasons.

The request to do couples counseling can leave your spouse feeling threatened or like they are failing as a partner. While this isn’t the intent, the goal is to approach the conversation in a way that gives you the best chance for success.

When anticipating a potentially difficult conversation you want to “T” it up for your partner by considering the Three “T’s”: Timing, Tone, and Tact.

Timing

Timing is all about the when and it’s the number one thing that can go wrong when it comes to communication. If it’s a bad time for even one partner- little else is going to matter. While there is no perfect time, keeping a few things in mind can help you find a better one.

Know Your Audience. Avoid bringing up the topic when your partner is noticeably stressed, tired, or distracted. In each of those scenarios, their capacity to be receptive is more limited because their cognitive and emotional resources are drained or devoted elsewhere. Use familiarity to your advantage and start the conversation when you think your partner presents a soft place to land.

Be Proactive Instead Of Reactive. Don’t broach the subject reactively once you are in the middle of an argument. In this case, both of your resources are diminished. The conflict is likely to escalate, and the idea of couples counseling gets chalked up to the heat of the moment rather than the true state of the relationship.

Be Short and Sweet (Or at the very least, short). Consider the length of the conversation. There can be a lot to process, and it can be overwhelming. Avoid an extended preamble or throwing the topic in at the end of an already long conversation. When there is a potential for conflict or too much information it can lead to one person stonewalling or shutting down. If this starts to happen, it is best to take a timeout and return to it later.

When In Doubt, Ask. It’s impossible to know what’s going on internally for our partners all the time. None of us are mind readers. This is a good thing, as long as we account for it. It can be very helpful to say something as simple as “I’d like to run something by you, is now a good time?”

Tone

While timing deals with the when, tone is all about the way things are said. The more open and approachable you come across, the easier it is for your partner to reciprocate.

Conversations Typically End The Way They Start. If you come in like a ball of fire, the conversation will inevitably go up in flames. The goal is to spark a productive discussion, not be left with ashes. You can be direct without being harsh.

You Can Lead With Emotion But Try Not To Be Led By Your Emotions. The tone of your voice will send a message instantaneously, and far quicker than the words you speak. Stress or irritation conveyed in your tone increases the potential for a defensive or a counterattacking response by your partner. Try to be conversational, not accusatory.

Look At The Conversation As A Request, Not A Demand. You’re looking to discuss, not dictate. There should be enough room for a response, and enough respect if it doesn’t come right away. People like requests and loathe demands.

When It’s Important, Do It In Person. A key element of tone is allowing for it in the first place. Communication via text doesn’t include tone of voice, eye contact, or body language- all things that can be crucial to providing context. When present these aspects can convey a sense of security, despite the difficulty of the topic. Texting is efficient, but not always productive.

Tact

After you consider the when, and the way, it comes down to what is said. Words certainly do matter, and this is where tact comes in.

Share in the responsibility. Instead of blaming, share ownership for where things are, as well as the efforts to get back on track. Blame is like sand on a beach. It’s impossible for one person to carry it all and it tends to stick to anyone near it. Burdens become lighter when their weight is dispersed.

Address behavior, not character. It’s about what they are doing or not doing that is bothersome, not who they are. It’s a lot less offensive to take issue with a person’s actions, than their identity. Behavior is also a lot easier to change than character is. The goal is to make a request that paints a path to success for your partner to pursue.

Follow the I-O-U structure. You owe it to yourself and your partner to be both thoughtful and balanced in your approach. The I-O-U structure provides a simple and straightforward guide to help take the guesswork out of the equation.

I: Make an “I statement” expressing how you feel. Speak from your perspective while sharing your emotions. Avoid starting with “You,” as it points a finger and can be a trigger.

Our: It’s about our relationship, and our future. It’s not you against me or a tit for tat.

Us: It’s going to take us working together to get better. It’s us against the challenge between us, not against each other.

Here’s an example:

“I’ve been stressed about work, and I know I’ve been short with you at times. I feel frustrated that so many of our interactions have ended up in arguments lately. I want us to get back on track and feel connected again. Would you be open to doing couples counseling together to help us do so?”

Final Takeaways

Successful relationships don’t avoid difficult conversations, they take advantage of them. With practice and compassion, difficult conversations lead to easier relationships.

Think of it as an unfolding process more than a standalone event. Enthusiastic agreement at the outset is an unlikely luxury. It is often a series of conversations that build on one another and do just enough to leave the door cracked for the next one. The hope is that you are warming them up to the idea, not wearing them down.

If your partner simply refuses, it is always an option to start with individual counseling. This can demonstrate your own commitment, provide guidance, and open the door to future participation by your partner. If you are unsure where to begin, it can be beneficial to consult with a professional counselor to explain the process and explore your next steps.

Even if it’s not your fault, it is your opportunity. If you are on the receiving end of a request to go to marriage counseling- you may be caught off guard. You may also think it is unnecessary, or their perspective is unfair. Yet, relationship challenges don’t need to be unanimous. Both partners are in the same boat together. So, if your spouse comes to you and says, “we’re taking on water,” you have the option to help fix the leak or go down with the ship.

At EPIC Counseling Solutions we help couples in all stages of their relationship gain the skills and experience they need to find the relief and the results they seek.

If you have any questions about this information or want to take the first step to a better relationship – schedule your free consultation today.

We’re here for you in Camp Hill, PA, and the greater Harrisburg area.

The post How to Talk to Your Partner About Couples Counseling appeared first on Epic Counseling Solutions.

Do You and Your Spouse Need Marriage Counseling?

Mark Verber, MS, LPC — Mon, 20 Nov 2023 18:51:47 +0000

Finding Answers and Results with Marriage Counseling

If you are wondering whether you need marriage counseling, start by asking yourself if any of the following sounds familiar…

“We can’t communicate”
“Everything turns into a fight”
“It feels like we’re just roommates”
“We’re walking on eggshells all the time”
“We hardly talk”
“There’s no intimacy anymore”
“All we do is argue”
“We’re stuck”
“Trust is gone”
“We want to get on the right track”
“We can’t seem to resolve anything”
“Never in a million years did I think they would cheat on me”
“Our issues are affecting the kids”
“I don’t want a divorce”
“I want my partner back”

If you are thinking, saying, or hearing any of those statements, you are not alone.

Despite the uniqueness of each couple’s story, their distress sounds strikingly similar. Those sentiments are some of the most common things heard by counselors when couples reach out for marriage counseling.

What also can’t be ignored is the frustration, exasperation, and desperation in their voice when they say them.

Couples feel stuck between two unimaginable fates. They don’t want to struggle one more minute with the way things currently are nor do they want to end the relationship.

Fortunately, marriage counseling provides a third option. Couples are empowered to repair and improve their relationship and become liberated in the process.

If you are considering marriage counseling, it can be helpful to understand how couples get to this point and how they can get past it with the guidance of a capable marriage counselor.

In the Beginning…

We often hold our relationships to an ideal we learn from fairytales and fortune cookies. This is a good thing, as nothing deserves to be romanticized more than relationships. However, the reality is rarely as poetic or perfect.

Every couple has their own compelling and distinctive beginning. Partners are drawn together with a magnetic energy and excitement that radiates like electricity. This powers their connection and lights the way early on. Yet, while infatuation burns hot, it inevitably blows out.

There is a certain predictability to relationships. If we do the dance long enough, we will step on some toes. We will be let down and we will let our partners down. We will miss the mark, and it will be messy. We will fight- with our partner, the circumstances, and ourselves about how to handle the first two.

Partners are like mirrors that help us to see ourselves fully. Being truly seen and heard while at our best and most vulnerable, is fulfilling beyond measure. Unless of course, we are seen leaving dishes in the sink or heard snoring all night. Having beauty and blemish alike reflected to us through the eyes of another can be both affirming and aggravating.

Parenting, work, grief, and family dynamics serve as stressors that become plot twists. Sparks of passion and possibility can singe or shut off- leaving partners in the dark. The eject button can begin to look enticing. Some see this as a sign of despair, but it is a cue for growth.

The Challenges: The 4 F’s

The relationship challenges couples face fit into at least one of four different categories. While these challenges often can’t be avoided, they can all be addressed.

Friction– Unproductive conflict. Arguing, bickering, or fighting that is frequent, intensifying, and increasingly unresolved.

Fracture – A sudden betrayal. Sexual affairs, emotional infidelity, or undisclosed debts or gambling losses are common culprits.
Frost – A cold distance or disconnection. Couples slowly grow apart and begin to feel like roommates, or that they are living parallel lives just orbiting one another.

Framing– Building skills and a framework from the ground up. This includes premarital couples being proactive as well as couples going through a life transition that want to expand their toolkit to help rise to the challenge.

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Growing Pains and Growth Spurts

Relationships are hard- never let a movie or meme convince you otherwise. The same things that scare individuals accelerate couples. Vulnerability, sacrifice, commitment, change, and difficult conversations can be terrifying. They take courage to confront with one another but are rewarding to achieve together.

Finding love is easier than sustaining it, and passion is a process not a point in time. Marriage involves real work, but it’s not just a labor of love- the labor is love. Like people, relationships must evolve to thrive. Everything has a toll- the question is whether it will be an investment or simply costly.

Fortunately, growing pains can lead to growth spurts. However, growth only occurs once you accept there’s an issue, then decide you’re no longer going to accept it. This is where couples therapy comes in.

The Benefits of Marriage Counseling

Marriage counseling provides a skilled guide to help remove barriers and build bridges through compassion and competence. When couples really struggle, they need direction and momentum to achieve the relief and results they seek. Marriage counseling is collaborative and practical in order to be both productive and sustainable.

At EPIC Counseling Solutions we believe all couples deserve the relationship they desire. When couples have gotten off track our goal is to help them change the trajectory or ARC of their relationship:

Address the feelings and situation causing distress
Repair functional dynamics such as communication, conflict, and trust
Create the relationship that they truly want

Couples are empowered with a set of straightforward and concrete skills paired with invaluable experience learning to apply them in the moment. Emotions go from barriers to motivators, as couples begin to feel lighter and grow closer. The results look like this:

Improved Communication

Resolved Conflict

Increased Intimacy

Reduced Stress

Restored Trust

Aligned Parenting

Alleviated Tension

Learned Skills

Instilled Hope

Your Marriage is Worth It

If you are considering whether your relationship is worth saving, it is important to remember why it’s worth having. The benefits of marriage are well documented and wide ranging. They include factors such as improved financial security, lower levels of depression, and longer life spans.

Marriage also holds value that is difficult to quantify or question. It presents a chance to derive something meaningful out of the most mundane, and to find small comfort amidst big challenges. A relationship is worthwhile, not just despite being difficult, but because it’s difficult.

Marriage is an opportunity to become better in order to be part of something greater. Not by sacrificing yourself, but by solidifying yourself. Couples either grow as partners or they grow apart. Marriage counseling gives couples a chance to rise to the challenge together so that they don’t have to succumb to it alone.

A Better Relationship Starts Here

If you are ready to move forward but have yet to get your partner on board- here is some guidance to help talk to them about marriage counseling.

The goal is to “T” it up for your partner by considering the three “T’s”: Timing, Tone, and Tact.

At EPIC Counseling Solutions we help couples in all stages of their relationship gain the skills and experience they need to find the relief and the results they seek.

If you have any questions about this information or want to take the first step to a better relationship – schedule your free consultation today.

We’re here for you in Camp Hill, PA, and the greater Harrisburg area.

The post Do You and Your Spouse Need Marriage Counseling? appeared first on Epic Counseling Solutions.