How to Talk to Your Partner About Couples Counseling

One of the greatest challenges to couples counseling can occur before you officially start- getting both partners to agree. 

While you may be pleasantly surprised, it is common to have some apprehension from at least one partner. Which leads to the frequently asked question, “How do I talk to my partner about couples counseling?”  

If you’re considering marriage counseling, you are not alone.  Most relationships hit a point where they would benefit from couples therapy.   When this happens, you’re facing either Friction, Fracture, Frost, or Framing. 

This means you’re experiencing conflict, betrayal, disconnection, or are just looking to build a better relationship. 

Bringing up marriage counseling can be a tough conversation, but worth it for all the right reasons. 

The request to do couples counseling can leave your spouse feeling threatened or like they are failing as a partner.  While this isn’t the intent, the goal is to approach the conversation in a way that gives you the best chance for success. 

When anticipating a potentially difficult conversation you want to “T” it up for your partner by considering the Three “T’s”: Timing, Tone, and Tact.

Timing

Timing is all about the when and it’s the number one thing that can go wrong when it comes to communication.  If it’s a bad time for even one partner- little else is going to matter.  While there is no perfect time, keeping a few things in mind can help you find a better one. 

• Know Your Audience. Avoid bringing up the topic when your partner is noticeably stressed, tired, or distracted.  In each of those scenarios, their capacity to be receptive is more limited because their cognitive and emotional resources are drained or devoted elsewhere.  Use familiarity to your advantage and start the conversation when you think your partner presents a soft place to land.

 

• Be Proactive Instead Of Reactive. Don’t broach the subject reactively once you are in the middle of an argument.  In this case, both of your resources are diminished.  The conflict is likely to escalate, and the idea of couples counseling gets chalked up to the heat of the moment rather than the true state of the relationship.

 

• Be Short and Sweet (Or at the very least, short). Consider the length of the conversation.  There can be a lot to process, and it can be overwhelming.  Avoid an extended preamble or throwing the topic in at the end of an already long conversation.  When there is a potential for conflict or too much information it can lead to one person stonewalling or shutting down.  If this starts to happen, it is best to take a timeout and return to it later. 

 

• When In Doubt, Ask. It’s impossible to know what’s going on internally for our partners all the time.  None of us are mind readers.  This is a good thing, as long as we account for it.  It can be very helpful to say something as simple as “I’d like to run something by you, is now a good time?”

 

Tone

While timing deals with the when, tone is all about the way things are said.  The more open and approachable you come across, the easier it is for your partner to reciprocate.

• Conversations Typically End The Way They Start.  If you come in like a ball of fire, the conversation will inevitably go up in flames.  The goal is to spark a productive discussion, not be left with ashes. You can be direct without being harsh.

 

• You Can Lead With Emotion But Try Not To Be Led By Your Emotions.  The tone of your voice will send a message instantaneously, and far quicker than the words you speak.  Stress or irritation conveyed in your tone increases the potential for a defensive or a counterattacking response by your partner.  Try to be conversational, not accusatory. 

 

• Look At The Conversation As A Request, Not A Demand.  You’re looking to discuss, not dictate.  There should be enough room for a response, and enough respect if it doesn’t come right away.  People like requests and loathe demands. 

 

•  When It’s Important, Do It In Person. A key element of tone is allowing for it in the first place.  Communication via text doesn’t include tone of voice, eye contact, or body language- all things that can be crucial to providing context.  When present these aspects can convey a sense of security, despite the difficulty of the topic.  Texting is efficient, but not always productive. 

 

Tact

After you consider the when, and the way, it comes down to what is said.  Words certainly do matter, and this is where tact comes in.

• Share in the responsibility.  Instead of blaming, share ownership for where things are, as well as the efforts to get back on track.  Blame is like sand on a beach. It’s impossible for one person to carry it all and it tends to stick to anyone near it.  Burdens become lighter when their weight is dispersed.

 

• Address behavior, not character.  It’s about what they are doing or not doing that is bothersome, not who they are.  It’s a lot less offensive to take issue with a person’s actions, than their identity.  Behavior is also a lot easier to change than character is.  The goal is to make a request that paints a path to success for your partner to pursue. 

 

• Follow the I-O-U structure.  You owe it to yourself and your partner to be both thoughtful and balanced in your approach.  The I-O-U structure provides a simple and straightforward guide to help take the guesswork out of the equation.

 

I:  Make an “I statement” expressing how you feel.  Speak from your perspective while sharing your emotions. Avoid starting with “You,” as it points a finger and can be a trigger.

Our:  It’s about our relationship, and our future.  It’s not you against me or a tit for tat.

Us:  It’s going to take us working together to get better.  It’s us against the challenge between us, not against each other.

Here’s an example:

“I’ve been stressed about work, and I know I’ve been short with you at times.  I feel frustrated that so many of our interactions have ended up in arguments lately.  I want us to get back on track and feel connected again.  Would you be open to doing couples counseling together to help us do so?”

Final Takeaways

• Successful relationships don’t avoid difficult conversations, they take advantage of them.  With practice and compassion, difficult conversations lead to easier relationships. 

 

• Think of it as an unfolding process more than a standalone event. Enthusiastic agreement at the outset is an unlikely luxury.  It is often a series of conversations that build on one another and do just enough to leave the door cracked for the next one.  The hope is that you are warming them up to the idea, not wearing them down. 

 

•  If your partner simply refuses, it is always an option to start with individual counseling.  This can demonstrate your own commitment, provide guidance, and open the door to future participation by your partner. If you are unsure where to begin, it can be beneficial to consult with a professional counselor to explain the process and explore your next steps.

 

• Even if it’s not your fault, it is your opportunity.  If you are on the receiving end of a request to go to marriage counseling- you may be caught off guard.  You may also think it is unnecessary, or their perspective is unfair.  Yet, relationship challenges don’t need to be unanimous. Both partners are in the same boat together. So, if your spouse comes to you and says, “we’re taking on water,” you have the option to help fix the leak or go down with the ship.

 

At EPIC Counseling Solutions we help couples in all stages of their relationship gain the skills and experience they need to find the relief and the results they seek. 

If you have any questions about this information or want to take the first step to a better relationship – schedule your free consultation today. 

We’re here for you in Camp Hill, PA, and the greater Harrisburg area.