Have you ever asked yourself, “Is my partner gaslighting me?” If so, you are not alone. Any therapist will tell you that the over/under for the number of times a day that the word “gaslighting” comes up during sessions is right around double digits. In other words, we hear it a lot.
However, the word’s prevalence clearly transcends the counseling setting as the term has become so popular that in 2022 Merriam-Webster awarded it their Word of the Year. As The Big Lebowski would say, “gaslighting” has become the parlance of our times.
Gaslighting is more than a buzzword though- it is a dynamic that’s impact on relationships is both widespread and universally detrimental. Learning to identify and address gaslighting when you experience it is crucial to relationship success and personal well-being.
What is Gaslighting in Relationships?
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation in which one’s reality or lived experience is disputed by another to the extent that they begin to question their own thoughts, perception, or even sanity. It typically occurs within the context of close relationships and over an extended period of time.
For the victims of gaslighting it feels as though they are viewing the world through a funhouse mirror. Their experience is not reflected for what it is, but instead it is filtered by their partner with an added layer of heavy distortion.
Not only does a gaslighter refuse to honor reality, but they also often turn the tables and blame the victim. While gaslighting is rooted in denial, the result is serious self-doubt and a decrease in self-confidence.
Why Do People Gaslight in Relationships?
Gaslighting is about avoidance and control. When people gaslight they avoid accountability, difficult conversations, potential conflict, and unpleasant feelings. In the process, they are also exerting control over their partners by manipulating the narrative to meet their needs. Gaslighters bend reality to their will to the detriment of their partner’s well-being.
Ready to Begin?
What are Some Examples of Gaslighting?
- Denial – Refuting the accuracy or outright lying about their role in events to escape fault
- Victim blaming – Shifting blame onto their partners to avoid accountability
- Lying – Making up falsehoods or rewriting history to serve their needs
- Isolating – Systematically undermining or cutting off influence from friends or family members to eliminate outside influence
- Making you doubt your sanity – Claiming “that’s not true” or “that never happened” repeatedly
- Minimizing your concerns – Dismissing or trivializing valid issues or feelings
- Not listening – Refusing to listen to other perspectives or simply talking over their partner to manipulate the situation and gain control
- Distorting the truth – Taking the reality of what is presented and twisting it to meet their needs
- Using others to validate concerns – Enlisting biased allies to support their point-of-view to further isolate and confuse their partners
- Insults and accusations – Gaslighters often go on the offensive, and are quick to call their partners “crazy”, “too emotional”, “overly sensitive”, or “paranoid”
An Example Scenario:
You are out on a date and observe your partner flirting with the bartender. It’s pretty obvious, but you decide to overlook it at the time. Later you find the bartender’s name and number on a cocktail napkin in your partner’s jacket pocket.
When you confront them about it they deny the whole thing. They also get offended, call you delusional, and accuse you of being flirtatious with the waiter all night. An attempt to address a legitimate concern with your partner ends with their denial and distortion, leaving you doubting the situation and yourself. This is classic gaslighting.
What are Some Ways to Respond to Gaslighting?
1. Gaslighting makes it difficult to know what to believe.
It is important to find ways to get perspective outside of your experience within the echo chamber of the relationship. Reaching out to get the opinion and feedback from a trusted third party can be immensely beneficial.
If you find yourself asking “Am I going crazy?” it sure helps to have a good friend or family member validate you and say, “No you’re not. You’re making sense, but something is definitely off with the situation.”
2. The nature of gaslighting can make it particularly difficult to address the behavior directly with the person doing it.
Spoiler alert- they tend to deny it then shift blame.
However, if you deem the relationship worth saving, discussing your experiences and the impact of the behavior in an open and non-accusatory way will be important. The caveat to this is that you must feel safe and secure enough to do so.
3. Gaslighting can eat away at one’s foundation, stability, and sense of self. It is critical to engage efforts at self-care to create balance with emotional and physical well-being.
Setting boundaries is an essential part of this. In addition, restorative activities like walking, yoga, journaling, reading, or even a bit of escapism Netflix binging can go a long way to recharging your batteries.
4. Seeking counseling with a licensed professional can be a helpful outlet to sort out and grow through the challenges that gaslighting presents.
If couples counseling isn’t an option or appropriate due to the nature of the circumstances, individual counseling can still be immensely useful.
Having a guide to provide an experienced perspective as well as tools to cope is especially beneficial when you can’t turn to your partner for consistent support.
5. Events don’t make or break relationships – patterns do.
If gaslighting is a one-off exception to the rule, it can be weathered.
However, if it is the baseline response to any concern or challenge, it is clearly a pattern and a problem. When efforts to address your concerns consistently hit the forcefield that gaslighting creates, it might be time to consider ending the relationship.
At EPIC Counseling Solutions we help couples in all stages of their relationship gain the skills and experience they need to find the relief and the results they seek.
If you have any questions about this information or want to take the first step to a better relationship – schedule your free consultation today.
We’re here for you in Camp Hill, PA, and the greater Harrisburg area.
