Struggling with communication is the most common reason given by couples when they seek marriage counseling. “We just can’t communicate anymore,” “It all comes down to poor communication,” and “We suck at communicating,” are common refrains from couples.
While there is typically more to the story for these couples, communication is like the password to their computer. It is necessary for access, even if it doesn’t power the rest of the features.
Shortcomings in communication reveal, if not always create, broader relationship issues. Because communication connects everything else, couples can’t ignore it. Simply put- without it they are locked out.
Interestingly, these very same couples that report significant deficits in communication are invariably able to come into counseling sessions and quite adeptly verbalize their thoughts and perspective in a compelling way. Why then is there such a disconnect between two partners when it comes to communication?
The best way to understand the challenge is by considering the conditions with which communication occurs in relationships. In this day and age both the sender and receiver are likely to be heavily distracted, highly stressed, pressed for time, complicated by emotions, and with relatively poor memories.
When you consider that’s the baseline we’re working with, the odds of the message being received as intended during even routine conversation are quite low. When trying to navigate the deeper waters of topics like finances, sex, and parenting the level of difficulty becomes even greater.
Missing information, misunderstanding, and mistakes are going to happen. For better or worse, we’re not able to throw the challenge flag and consult instant replay to settle discrepancies in communication like those couples in Progressive commercials. Instead, it takes intentionality and consistency to achieve clarity.
Successful communication doesn’t come from perfection or poetry. It comes from having a deliberate process and applying it with persistence. The following are a “Deliberate Dozen” Effective Communication Strategies for Couples:
1. A Good Conversation is Like a Game of Catch.
In a successful game of catch you have two people tossing a ball back and forth. In a good conversation the message, like the ball, is secured and considered before being sent back. When there’s a misfire or someone drops the ball, it’s simply picked up and returned.
The two most important elements of any game of catch or conversation are velocity and reciprocity. A steady pace and equal participation creates a good rhythm. With your partner we’re striving for lobbing a nerf ball at a catcher’s mitt- plenty of cushion and surface area. When a conversation goes off the rails it is more like trying to catch a nine ball with a pool cue.
When couples come to counseling their conversations feel more like being pelted or that one partner has taken the ball and gone home. Counseling can help provide the guidance and tools to shorten the distance between them while they find their rhythm again.
2. The Right Time is of The Essence.
Real estate may be all about location but the three most important factors in communication are timing, timing, and timing. While there is no perfect time, timing is the first domino to fall. If it’s a bad time for either partner, it’s not going to go well. Don’t feel pressured to have a difficult conversation right away or all at once- as long as you commit to having it. It’s better to go to bed angry than really angry.
3. Good Enough Beats Not Enough Every Time.
Waiting for the perfect words or conditions before talking to your spouse usually ends with few perfect words and lots of waiting. It’s hard to interpret silence, and we don’t prevent anything by avoiding. Like the old adage about voting, in relationships we should communicate early and often.
4. Validate Before You Negate.
Validation is about letting your partner know they are making sense to you. The bottom line is that they want to know you get it. You do this by effectively connecting the dots out loud for them. It’s important to recognize that you don’t need to agree with them in order to validate. Agreement is a luxury.
5. Be Direct with Respect.
In her book Dare to Lead Brene Brown wrote, “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.” It’s one thing to understand this, it’s something else entirely to apply it. It can be difficult to give feedback to our partners, and especially difficult when we think that feedback may be hurtful.
However, Brene Brown isn’t advocating that we are reckless with our words, just direct and respectful enough that they are clear. In the end, this is ultimately kind. Too often thoughts and feelings are withheld or buried like a needle in a large haystack of meaningless hemming and hawing. While the needle doesn’t break the skin, it’s never found either.
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6. Conversations Should Be Engineered Like a Driver’s Ed Car.
There should be one gas pedal, and two brakes. When conversations get heated, they speed up. This leads to feeling overwhelmed and either an escalation or shut down. Speed kills conversations as quickly as it can on the road. Either person should be able to pump the brakes before a crash. The goal is to slow down to go further.
7. Own Your Part Before You Bemoan Your Partner.
When one or both partners immediately refutes or rebuts what the other is saying, it’s called defensiveness. The last thing we want to do is feed the defensiveness forcefield. What starts as a slippery slope inevitably ends with what feels like falling into a trap door.
The goal is to take a beat and some accountability before firing back. This can be incredibly difficult, especially when you feel attacked. However, even if you can’t turn defensiveness off, when you turn the volume down a bit- it creates flex that can be rolled with instead of a force field to fight with.
8. Turn Complaints Into Requests.
Renowned therapist Esther Perel famously says that, “Behind every criticism is a veiled wish.” In relationships we have a tendency to lead with criticism and never get to the wish.
Imagine how much more effective it would be to turn complaints into requests. Instead of making the complaint “You never help around the house” you could say “I’d appreciate it if you took the trash out tonight.” Or you could replace “You don’t make time for me,” with “Let’s plan a date night for this Saturday.” A series of requests offered and honored is the foundation for a more connected and fulfilling relationship in literally no extra time.
9. Relate, Not Legislate.
Keep in mind that it’s a conversation, not a cross-examination. Attend to your partner’s feelings before you get lost in the weeds objecting to details or presenting new evidence. In courtrooms arguments result in winners and losers. In relationships, nobody ever wins an argument- because even when you win you lose.
10. Summarize Before Stacking.
When communication goes awry, listening gets lost- there is just waiting to respond. Sometimes there’s no waiting at all. It’s hard to comprehend much when statements keep getting stacked on top of one another.
It’s like two people playing a high-speed game of Jenga without taking turns. There is no strategy or building, only an accelerated inevitable topple. When you summarize what your partner said before responding with new information you are slowing down enough to truly listen and check for accuracy. They get the chance to clarify and are reassured knowing you heard what they said.
11. Share the Love, Not the Stage.
Effective communication requires that only one person talk at a time. Talking over, interrupting, reactively responding are common losing propositions. Be intentional about taking turns. File this under “everything I need to know I learned in kindergarten.” When you wait your turn and share your thoughts like toys there is less crying and more time to enjoy snacks and recess together.
12. Communicate Like A PRO.
Communication is too important to be guided by wishful thinking or left to chance. This is especially true when there is a particular event to tackle together that can add stress and require extra coordination, like a wedding or family holiday. Instead, consider communicating like a PRO:
Proactive: Like the best professional teams, you should proactively have a game plan discussed beforehand. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
Responsive: Be mindful of when there is a rise in tension or a loss of momentum. Have a shared language and ability to responsively call a timeout when the situation demands.
On Schedule: Agree in advance to touch base on schedule at a certain time, just like halftime. It could be as simple as “Everything okay?” Or it might be “The heavy hors d’oeuvres aren’t holding, we need to find a drive thru before I get hangry.”
As frustrating as communication challenges can be, it’s important to keep in mind that communication is skill. Which means it can be learned, and with practice, improved. If you are finding it difficult to do so on your own or are looking to go from good to great at it, you may want to consider couples counseling.
One of the first goals of couples counseling is to skillfully shift the dynamic to create conditions conducive to overcoming barriers and achieving effective communication. Couples empowered with new skills and guided experience applying them find having a good game of catch can be a stepping stone to reconnection and covering more ground together.
At EPIC Counseling Solutions we help couples in all stages of their relationship gain the skills and experience they need to find the relief and the results they seek.
If you have any questions about this information or want to take the first step to a better relationship – schedule your free consultation today.
We’re here for you in Camp Hill, PA, and the greater Harrisburg area.
