Have you noticed that difficult conversations with your partner seem to follow the same pattern?
As soon as the tension rises even a little bit, they get really quiet or totally silent.
Like clockwork, it’s as if sticking points turn to stop signs. As infuriating as this is, there is a likely reason your partner won’t respond. They’re stonewalling.
Stonewalling refers to when someone shuts down or withdraws during an interaction, essentially ceasing to communicate in any meaningful way.
Renowned relationship experts, John and Julie Gottman, have identified stonewalling as one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” as it is predictive of divorce when prevalent during a couple’s conflict.
While stonewalling can be incredibly frustrating for the partner on the receiving end, it is really a protective posture. When someone is stonewalling on the surface, they are overwhelmed and physiologically flooded underneath.
Without an awareness about this and the right tools to navigate it, stonewalling can be like a perpetually faulty fuse that short-circuits crucial conversations again and again.
If You Are Being Stonewalled, Try The Following Three Tips:
- Recognize your partner is not giving you a hard time, as much as they are having a hard time. This awareness can help you to not take it personally, as well as not push and make it worse.
- The next step is to take a timeout. Trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, when your partner is just not able to, will only make it worse. Verbalize that you would like to press pause, and mutually commit to revisiting the topic later.
- When you reapproach, be mindful to utilize a softened startup to take the pressure off your partner. Utilize “I” statements, keep the focus specific, and make a request instead of a complaint. This approach helps to take the pressure off, by being less threatening or overwhelming to your partner.
If you are stonewalling your partner, try engaging the following three steps to the “Breath, Break, Breeze” technique:
- Breath – Focus on your breathing to help self-regulate. There are numerous simple deep breathing techniques that can be learned and applied in minutes that can be helpful to coping and becoming less flooded.
- Break – Request a timeout, while also committing to return to the conversation sometime within the next 24 hours. As soon as we recognize that the potential for conflict is revving things up, we want to be deliberate about disrupting the pace. Keep in mind that we hurt quickly and heal slowly.
- Breeze – This refers to going outside and taking a quick walk. The change of scenery, physical activity, and sunlight can all have a calming effect and help you feel more centered.
Stonewalling can send the message “I don’t care” to your partner, even if unintentionally. Therefore, you need to be quite intentional about correcting course and demonstrating commitment and willingness to re-engage with your partner once “Breath, Break, Breeze” puts you in a better position to do so.
Learning to apply these tools can take practice and guidance.
At EPIC Counseling Solutions we help couples in all stages of their relationship to gain the skills and experience they need to find the relief and the results they seek.
If you have any questions about this information or want to take the first step to a better relationship, schedule your free consultation today.
We’re here for you in Camp Hill, PA and the greater Harrisburg area.
References:
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2018). The seven principles for making marriage work. Cassell Illustrated.
