Every relationship is a dance. Partners are circling one another in close proximity both physically and emotionally. This cadence and closeness create the foundation for true intimacy as well as unlimited opportunities to strain it. When two people dance together long enough it is inevitable that they will step on each other’s toes or fall out of sync from time to time.
Disruption and repair are simply parts of the rhythm and rigor of relationships. Of course, not all missteps and resulting wounds are the same. It’s one thing to be late for your partner, it’s a whole other thing to betray your partner. Forgetting an anniversary is far different than forgetting your vows. Regardless of where an offense falls on the spectrum from inconsiderate to infidelity, a good apology is an essential tool in the relationship repair kit.
Yet, as anyone who has struggled to escape the relationship doghouse can attest to- not just any old apology will do. An apology is like a meal- as hungry for it as someone may be, they would rather skip it than be force fed something rotten. However, when the right ingredients are skillfully crafted and served in a timely fashion the results can be exquisite.
A good apology doesn’t have to be fancy to really hit the spot and leave the recipient feeling fulfilled and appreciative. In fact, a good apology can be remembered far longer than what prompted it in many cases.
A Good Apology is a Relationship Superpower
Unfortunately, most people have not been taught how to give a good apology, nor have they had it modeled for them. The good news is that giving a good apology is a skill that can be learned, and with practice, mastered.
The ability to give a good apology is a superpower. It empowers people and enhances relationships. A good apology requires both vulnerability and accountability, which makes it difficult. Especially when feelings of guilt or shame can be overwhelming and leave partners feeling stuck and ultimately staying silent. Acknowledging our own wrongdoing opens us up to both criticism and consequences. We are wired to avoid both at all costs.
The problem is that in relationships our avoidance becomes our partner’s burden. However, when we are able to push through our instinctual apprehension enough to weather the response- the potential for clearer skies on the other side can be realized.
Make Contrition the Star of the Show
The most important factor in a good apology is to focus on how your actions have impacted the person you have hurt, not your intentions. When making a sincere apology, leave your intentions on the cutting room floor and make your contrition the star of the show.
It’s also important to bear in mind that an apology is a process. There are many factors that influence how it may be received. Both time and repetition may be required for maximum effectiveness. Additionally, if we think of an apology as a meal, the spoken words are just the appetizer. It takes action over time to demonstrate sincerity. There are four key ingredients that form The CORE of a Good Apology.
The CORE of a Good Apology
1. Compassion – Compassion involves expressing empathy for how you have hurt someone, as well as a genuine commitment to show the care and effort to make it better. It is important to directly acknowledge your regret for your actions and their ramifications. Without compassion, the rest is wasted because the apology will come across as hollow and land flat.
2. Ownership – Taking personal responsibility, regardless of intentions or external factors, is essential to demonstrating accountability and authenticity. “I didn’t mean to” and “I’m sorry you feel that way” will not help. You show you “get it” when you own it.
3. Remedy – Words are not enough. A good apology depends on a stated commitment to change behavior. The remedy can be collaboratively arrived at with the person who was hurt, but the initiative should come from the person apologizing. There are few guarantees in a relationship, but there can be a plan and path to truly address the harm caused as well as avoid a recurrence.
4. Earned – People should make an apology to help the person they hurt feel better, first and foremost. However, an apology plays a big part in the prospect of receiving forgiveness in return. This requires more than words and must be earned. An apology is not like a crock pot that you can just “set it and forget it.” Earning it comes from the remedy demonstrated consistently over time.
Here’s an example:
C – “I’m sorry for lying to you about where I was last night. I regret my actions and the hurt they have caused you. It’s understandable that you are both angry and concerned. (Compassion)
O – This is all my fault and I take full responsibility for making a bad choice, then lying to you about it. It won’t happen again. (Ownership)
R – Moving forward, I will be more open with my plans and transparent and truthful in all things. Your trust is important to me, and my goal is to deserve it again. (Remedy)
E – I realize this will take time, and I am prepared to prove it to you with my actions and consistency.” (Earned)
Ready to Begin?
What to Avoid When Making an Apology
– The Word “but” – There is no scenario where “but” or anything that follows it can be helpful when giving an apology.
– A Non-Existent Apology – As much as a bad apology can make things worse, that is no excuse for avoiding an earnest attempt at repair with your partner.
– Inauthentic Lip-Service – A simple “I’m sorry” without verbalizing what you are sorry for is generic and ineffective. It can also appear to come from a sense of obligation or escaping consequences more than true remorse.
– Victim Stance – Including statements like “Apparently I never do anything right,” “It’s always my fault” or “You’ve done this to me,” aren’t helpful in taking ownership and advancing repair.
– Minimizing – Saying “It’s not that big of a deal,” or downplaying one’s actions to alleviate culpability miss the mark.
– Impatience – It can be frustrating when a heartfelt apology is given, and it doesn’t have the desired results immediately. However, becoming inpatient or angry usually only makes things worse and prolongs the process.
The Role of Counseling in Relationship Repair
If you’re struggling to make an effective apology or repair on your own- marriage counseling can help. Marriage counseling is designed to empower partners with the skills and guidance to address relationship wounds and disrupt patterns that perpetuate disconnection.
It starts by creating a “forgiving space” to do so. A “forgiving space” is one that is both set up to support healing and forgiveness as well as forgiving in that it allows for a learning curve and inevitable missteps. Couples counseling creates a dynamic that is like bowling with bumpers. You can miss the mark and not end up in the gutter.
Marriage counseling also helps to bridge the gap and clear the debris that has accumulated over time. A licensed counselor is trained to give voice to feelings and create perspective for partners struggling to do so on their own. The collaborative approach helps prioritize next steps and mutually problem solve.
In doing so, friction can be turned to traction. By helping partners feel truly seen and heard by one another, as well as provide tools to navigate conflict and support reconnection- partners can get back to having each other’s backs.
At EPIC Counseling Solutions we help couples in all stages of their relationship gain the skills and experience they need to find the relief and the results they seek.
If you have any questions about this information or want to take the first step to a better relationship – schedule your free consultation today.
We’re here for you in Camp Hill, PA, and the greater Harrisburg area.
